Sarah J. Connor--the Sheltie

   
   "Sarah J. Connor--the Sheltie"
   
   My name is Sarah J. Connor; I am a Shetland Sheepdog.  I have many nipples, but was spayed, for my owner, a wackadoodle named Jimmy, didn't want me to wear a diaper, go into heat, or have any raunchy boy dogs come sniffing around.  Good for the wackadoodle.
   Yeah, I loved Jimmy.  He took me for walks, let me chase lizards, and fed me real, live-action bacon--center cut, as it should be, unless you're a Jew or Muslim.
   I don't want to offend anybody, but nowadays--that's all that a person or dog can do.  If you tell a girl at the grocery market that she looks good in jeans--it's domestic terrorism or harassment.  If I take a stinky poop in the neighbor's yard, people will put me down or put a shock collar on me.  Yup, folks are real assholes.
   I always thought I lived in a free country; then, I realized--that's Canada.  America has gone down the tubes.  Poor General George, and they're even taking Old Hickory off the twenty dollar bill pretty soon.  That really pisses me off, for I live in Tennessee.  Why don't they just make a three dollar bill and put a chick on it?  Did any chicks fight in the Great American Wars like the men, or have the mystical initiative of Joan of Arc?  I don't think so.  But whatever.  And I like being a girl.  I'm just saying--it is America, and once was a free country without all the overwhelming security.  Yikes.  
   Yeah, I know I'm not perfect, nor are my opinions, but what soul didn't love it before girls grew the hanging scrotum?  Okay, I'm wrong again, for my name is Sarah J. Connor; still, that's fiction--like me.  Then again--there's always the knuckle-thrusting axiom of Hope Solo.