Loup Soup (11)

   
   "Loup Soup (11)"
   
   Jasper, though in his mid-forties, had never been on a date before.  Had always lived with his Grandma until she passed, leaving him a collection of Hawaiian shirts, some old-printed Savings Bonds, and Boxer the cat--better than bubkes.  He had loved Grandma so much, and even though she had passed on--he wrote her letters of adoration everyday in his bizarre diary, for she had been the only biological family the man had ever known.  Anyway, he called his boss Buster, the tall and handsomely blonde Icelander over for some dating advice.  Buster was astonished that the reclusive Jasper would ask for anything, yet happy to see that the weird, little man was coming out of his teenage turtle shell.  Hopefully, this would be a great New Year for the dude, and he would finally develop a Napoleon Dynamite Complex.  So, the twosome sat in Jasper's garage-converted home, and even the Icelander was cold.

BUSTER
I can't believe you live like this dude.  And you've never been on a date?  What, are you a monk?

JASPER
Never got around to it--was always taking care of Grandma, and I have trouble evacuating my bowels in public.  Have to go on newspaper like a dog, and on pseudo-sacred territory.  But never the front page, for that would be strange.   

BUSTER
What a confession.  And I always knew you were a werewolf.  That seems a werewolf thing to do--I mean crap while in a squat-like position, and on newspaper.  

JASPER
Just tell me what I should wear boss?

BUSTER
Do you have any shirts besides those Hawaiian ones?  No, wait!  If she decided to go out with you, having always seen you in them; then, just wear one with plenty of flowers, like Magnum always did on that cool television show.  Damn, you're a weird one.

JASPER
But I like to think I got some couth.

BUSTER
And a total will to be weird, but I think it comes natural to you.  You are a true freak--in the most flattering of terms I mean.

   Boxer the cat entered through his kitty door, giving Buster a suspicious look; next, meowed for some more albacore tuna and spicy mustard.  Jasper obeyed his best friend.